a little bit of heartache...

I guess I am hoping that this will be a sort of therapy for me. Talking of the hurt is supposed to make it hurt less, or maybe talking about it shares the hurt. I don't really like letting people know when something is wrong because it makes me feel vulnerable and I hate that feeling. Although this hasn't been the worst thing that could happen to me, it still makes me sad. And don't feel bad if you didn't know about it, very few people did.

Heartache #1: I'll start at the beginning.

April 24: I had to pay a visit to my ob/gyn because my IUD that I had in had inflamed my cervix and given me an infection so they had to take it out and out and put me on a 10 day antibiotic. (That day I also started my period.)

May 23: This was the day we had Trinity's birthday party. I was talking with one of my good friends while cleaning up, and while talking I realized that I should have "started" by this point in the month. I am like clock work-- every 28 days. I wasn't too worried because it had taken MONTHS of trying to get pregnant with my girls. The thought of being late just WEEKS after getting my IUD taken out was a little nerve racking though, but I hoped thought maybe my body was just acting different since getting it taken out. I was not that lucky. The next morning, after finding the extra pregnancy test that came with the one I bought when I was pregnant with Elli, I found out I was indeed pregnant. I was not very excited. My baby was not yet 2 and I wasn't planning on even trying for at least 6 months! I do not love being pregnant I was still at the point where I would feel sorry for pregnant women because they looked so uncomfortable. I finally decided, after 3 weeks, this is what God had planned and this was the reason for all my IUD trouble, and I started getting excited.

Last week of June: I started getting some cramping and light bloody discharge. I am not really a stranger of bleeding when pregnant since I had bled with both of my girls. I did not want to go through with the stress of bleeding and worrying about loosing the baby. Being pregnant is stressful enough without all that. The second or so night of cramping we had the missionaries over for dinner, and I didn't cancel because my dad was out of town and I needed a priesthood blessing, and I knew Alex could handle dinner. I got my blessing. It said wonderful things. It just didn't say what I wanted hear, that my pregnacy would be healthy and everything would be fine. After my dad got back in town, I asked him to give me a blessing also. After that I just felt that the baby wouldn't make it and I decided to wait it out and see what would happen. I didn't want to lose this pregnancy when I has finally come to terms with it and gotten excited. Plus, Trinity was even more excited than me and would draw the cutest family pictures with a big circle around my middle and a little baby in that circle.

July 2 (9 weeks 6 days): Alex was in the valley for a job interview. I started cramping pretty bad and felt I needed to go to the emergency room so that they could do an ultrasound give me a shot of rho-gham (I have b- blood) and tell me everything was okay. So, since Kalli was in town for the summer I left my girls in her care, and had my mom take me up to the hospital. After much waiting and worrying they finally took me in to get an ultrasound done. Since I have had many ultrasounds with previous pregnancies, I knew what to look for. I knew by this point in the pregnancy the little bean growing in me should have a heart beat. There was none. It broke my heart. And I think my mom's too, because she was right there crying with me and holding my hand.  After Alex, my mom is the next person that I would choose to be my support and I'm so greatful to have her with me.

Because of the point I was in my pregnancy I had the option to get a d&c. I decided that would probably be best so that my heart and body could heal and so that I could try and get pregnant again. The d&c went fine, but for a week I was really tender and crampy and the anesthesia made me feel really sick to my stomach for over a week.

Heartache #2:

After I had one normal cycle we decided to start trying again. Trying is the best part, right.;) No success that first month, but the second month we were successful! I found out the good news mid September. We all got excited again. I wasn't able to get in to my Dr.'s office for 3+ weeks because he was out of town. A week before my appointment I felt the familiar dread creep upon me as a started to have cramping again, but no spotting so I was more hopeful.

Monday, October 26, my first Dr.'s visit 9 weeks 4 days: My Dr. sees me and decides to have me get an ultrasound before he does his part of the check up. Alex was with me this time. We go to the ultrasound and are hoping to see a heartbeat in our little bean. Again, no heartbeat. I silently cry as my heart breaks again and wait until she finished. Alex didn't notice me crying until after the lights were back on. He asked me why I crying and I said "because there was no heartbeat." He said, "Maybe the baby is just to small to see it." So I had to tell him, "you can see a heartbeat around 5weeks, the baby is dead." He still hung on to a shred of hope until the tech patted my shoulder and told us she was sorry. Then we got to talk to my doctor and decide what to do. It was harder this time to choose a d&c because it was so hard on my body the last time. Plus, I had just done had one a few months before and never wanted another one. In the end I decided I needed to start healing again, so I chose the d&c. The hospital couldn't schedule me in until that Friday. I was a pretty hard week still being pregnant and knowing that I would get no baby, but I still tried to function and make my girls costumes and go to a Halloween party with some of my cousins.

Friday, October 30: Alex and I went to the hospital and my nerves were a wreck. I felt jittery and scared. When we were in the pre-surgery room getting my iv's and blood work done, I had a point where I almost hyperventilated, because every thing loomed down at me and I felt like I couldn't do the surgery and have all the horrible side effects again. Alex said a prayer out loud for me and then I said my own quiet one. And from that point until hours after my surgery I felt like there was a fog around me that kept me calm. I had none of the bad side effects this time, and I even took my girls to our ward truck-or-treat the next day. I did just need naps in the afternoon for a about a week.  I also feel bad for my family for having to deal with me and my rollercoaster of hormones these past months.  Right now we don't know what caused this to happen, and so my Dr. sent off the 2nd one for genetic testing to see if there was a problem that can be fixed with giving me hormones the next time.

As hard as this was I know that my Heavenly Father was looking out for me. Both times it made it so much easier for me to have lost the pregnancies when I knew that I had my 2 babies to go home and hold. I hope this experience will make me a better mother, that I will be more grateful for the 2 children that I do have, and treat them better. Life is so precious.

It might be a few months, or more, before I'm ready to try to add another to my family, but when that time comes I think I will not complain about anything that comes with having to be pregnant for 9 months.